Hey friends!
Today I want to talk about something really close to my heart.
I had a pretty controversial Facebook post a while back about spanking as a form of discipline. Somewhere along the way, the topic of tantrums came up. Many parents feel that tantrums are a time to use methods such as spanking to correct these behaviors and relay to the child that tantrums are an inappropriate way to behave.
First of all, I just want to say that I don't personally use physical discipline in my parenting style and you can read more about why by clicking here if it is of interest to you. I also have access to the full study if you'd like to read more about the methods used in gathering that data. Just email me!
I find it to be especially disheartening when children are punished for developmentally normal behaviors simply because we, as parents, fail to understand what is really going on. I want to preface this by saying that if you do use physical punishment in your home, I don't think you're lazy or stupid but rather that you think this is the best way to elicit the behaviors that you find to be appropriate. However, my personal opinion is that there's a better way. And when we know better, we can do better.
Since child development was one of my favorite topics in undergrad (even before having kids) I've spent a lot of time learning about childhood behaviors and emotional regulation in babies and toddlers. That being said, I know that tantrums are a very natural (although very irritating) part of childhood and that as children learn effective strategies for communicating their frustrations, temper tantrums become a thing of the past.
Lately, Caisley has been having them A LOT. Sometimes they are down right laughable (especially when she gets fancy with her rolls and fish flops) and sometimes I feel like I want to get on the floor and cry with her. But what I've been doing instead is something that may seem like the very last way you should (or maybe even WANT) to respond to a screaming, kicking, snotty-nosed tiny human.
Are you ready? All I've been doing is picking her up, hugging her tight and letting her know I love her very much. And guess what? They've stopped immediately EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Some people (even my own husband) may respond to this with something along the lines of "you're rewarding her for bad behavior." Those were his exact words actually. I let him know if a child feels the need to throw a full on melt-down tantrum in order to elicit affection from their parent, that is a problem in and of itself.
What's REALLY going on is that I'm letting her know that everything really is okay and that I'm going to be there to help her get through hard times. Even if that hard time is that I gave her blueberries in a cup when she would have preferred them directly in her hand.
Scientifically, there's more going on. Cuddling releases oxytocin and stimulates pressure receptors in the skin which help slow your heart rate and lower your blood pressure increasing the feeling of relaxation. Hugging also decreases the release of the stress hormone cortisol. All of those factors immediately have an effect on your child. What's even cooler is that studies have shown that maternal support has a positive impact on hippocampal growth - the area of the brain that deals with stress. So providing this kind of response to your child not only helps with their immediate state of desperation, but it also helps foster a brain that is more capable of dealing with stress! I recently learned in class that this maternal support helps build stress immunity in children and has the potential to combat genetic predispositions to stress. Isn't that freaking neat?! I guess neuroscience isn't all that bad.
As interesting as this information is, I know that is HARD to not lose your shit sometimes. As a parent who is tired and worn out and fed up with what seems like ridiculous behavior, these moments are probably the hardest to give grace in. BUT I hope you remember that these are the most important moments to model control (of your behavior, not your kid's!) and calmness.
Can we just pause for a second and think about how this might just be a better solution to the tantrum issue than just practicing punishment or discipline? By acting in this way, we are showing our kids that it's OKAY to be upset - because it is, right? But instead of getting in trouble for expressing their emotions, they are being shown how to handle them in a socially appropriate way. AND we get snuggles. It's a win-win in my book.
I wrote this post up on April 19th. It's currently May 7th and there has been a DRASTIC change in the amount of fits that have been thrown after implementing this reaction. Although I can't say for sure if that is because of how I handle her tantrums, I sure as heck think it is.
I wrote this post up on April 19th. It's currently May 7th and there has been a DRASTIC change in the amount of fits that have been thrown after implementing this reaction. Although I can't say for sure if that is because of how I handle her tantrums, I sure as heck think it is.
Or maybe she's just going through an easier time developmentally right now. *Side note: All parents should look into the Wonder Weeks app. Such a life saver for helping to further your understanding of those typical difficult behavior baby/toddler times! And no, I'm not getting anything for saying that, I just owe a lot of what's left of my sanity to them.*
I know that there will be a time when this approach might not work and that she'll have more struggles as she's navigating her way through learning to regulate her emotions, but it feels good to know that I can step in in a way that I can feel GOOD about as a parent - now AND when I look back. Because it really is hard for them too.
I know that there will be a time when this approach might not work and that she'll have more struggles as she's navigating her way through learning to regulate her emotions, but it feels good to know that I can step in in a way that I can feel GOOD about as a parent - now AND when I look back. Because it really is hard for them too.
I hope that this post helps you see things a little differently if this is an area you struggle with in your role as a parent.
Keep on loving your babies, mama! You're doing great.
Social Icons