Personal

I wan't going to publicly share this story, but I feel that if I can touch just one person that might be going through or has gone through the same kind of pain that it would be worth it. 

What I've put here is just a snap shot of six days in June that I couldn't possibly fully relate in words.

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I found out I was pregnant on June 5th 2013. 
Ben and I were both as shocked as we had ever been.  
How were we going to do this? What about school? What about us?! We've only been married for a month!

There was a lot of fear that came with the two lines on that home pregnancy test.

Eventually, we both got ahold of reality. I was excited and Ben was thrilled and so proud. Which made me even more excited. (I love him)

We were so happy.
We were parents.

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On June 10th, after spending the majority of the day babysitting, I went to the hospital because I had light bleeding and heavy cramping. There I was told that my HCG levels were lower than they should have been which meant I could have just gotten pregnant, had an ectopic pregnancy, or had miscarried.

At that point, I knew that I was losing my baby. I didn't  think this would happen to me. Ever.

Nothing in this world had ever broken my heart until that moment.

I had no idea I could feel that kind of aching in my body. It was the kind of pain that cripples you, mentally and physically... and I pray to God I never have to feel that again.
I laid down in bed and cried for what seemed like years. Ben just held me. That was all I needed.

My mom and brother came to visit me and were there at the appointment that confirmed I had in fact had a miscarriage. At that point, I had already accepted that I wasn't going to be bringing a life to this world anytime soon. I was grateful to have my family by my side. 

They gave me the strength that I wouldn't have had on my own.

My heart still aches when I think about losing our baby. It is a pain that will most likely never go away. However, I know that God has a plan for me and Ben. 
And I know that our baby is in Heaven with Him. 

In a strange way, this experience was a kind of blessing in disguise. 
I now know without a doubt that my reaction when I become pregnant again will be joy no matter what the circumstance. I think I could say the same for Ben. (:

Babies are always a blessing.

Always, always, always.

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Learning how unique and incredible pregnancy and conception really is has helped me cope. (Thanks CDE 430!)  I am amazed that babies are even born! Every single child is truly a miracle.  I am also grateful for the support I received from my family and closest friends and most importantly my Husband. 

We're not trying to have any more babies at this point in time. We plan on waiting until I'm through with school although God might have a different plan! 
No matter the time, Ben and I would be so happy to be parents. That time just isn't now and that's okay.

We didn't get to have our baby, but we do have our very own Angel and I'm thankful for that.
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